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Why are we afraid of who we are?

Posted on May 30th, 2012

I’ve been doing a lesson with some Year 8 student this week which involves thinking about how we appreciate ourselves. Every time they say that sending loving kindness to yourself is vain or selfish.  It’s not a unique response to get to this topic but one that I find very intriguing.

I had a conversation with a student this afternoon about what I believe, and as much as I love talking about myself (!), it was still quite interesting to see how I responded to that. Obviously there are boundaries between teachers and students, and perhaps the juxtaposition between the way I present myself when teaching and the way I present myself during concerts, workshops, interviews etc. makes it an interesting discussion…but for whatever reason, it left me wondering – why are human beings afraid of who we are?  If God loves us enough to suffer torture, ridicule and painful death for us – because he accepts us for who we are – why can’t we do the same?

Perhaps this is a religious practice for us – to begin to appreciate ourselves and other people in the way that God accepts us.  An interesting thought!!

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The crazy life…

Posted on May 25th, 2012

Well, this has been one of the craziest weeks of my life!!!  Just to give you an overview before I start:

Sunday – church in the morning, eye test, marking Year 8 books and writing reports (3-9)

Monday – up at 6, got ready for work, drove to work, arrived at 8, students in school until 3.30 then I worked until 6, drove home and had dinner then worked again 8-10.

Tuesday – up at 5.30, work, home at 6, people round for Taizé practice, work 9-10.

Wednesday – up at 6, work, finally finished marking  and reports (hurray!) and preparing cards etc. for my tutor group who left this week then drove to Cheltenham to stay with a friend in preparation for…

Thursday – drove from Cheltenham to Solihull for a standardisation meeting (for GCSE exam marking), then drove to Sherborne to stay at a friend’s (arrived back at 8). Had a lovely curry!

Friday – at school by 7.50, very emotional day with saying goodbye to some really special people and then back home by 5 to collapse!!!!

It doesn’t sound so mad like that but it feels very mad!!

So here’s the perfect example of a time when it’s a good opportunity to practice focusing on God no matter what. I can’t say I’ve done that very well this week.  There are so many ways to focus on God in the midst of work, and I think that the best way that I can do it is by trying to act with love towards people. ” Round we go again to the last blog entry,” I hear you all say!!  Well, yes – I suppose it’s the theme for my life at the moment!!  But the encouraging thing is that it must work at least some of the time, judging by the amount of jewellery I was given by my tutor group today and the cheer that went up when I was given a bottle of wine in their final assembly!!

So although I’m exhausted, emotionally drained, very sad to have said goodbye to so many lovely people and in need of some serious time out -life is still good.  I’ve had the encouragement I needed to keep on going and to know that I’m exactly where God wants me to be, doing what I should be doing.

You can’t ask for much more than that!!!

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Would anyone know if you were a Christian?

Posted on May 20th, 2012

Would anyone know if you were a Christian?  This was the topic for today’s sermon in church.  An interesting question!  This was discussed because of the commandment ‘live in the world but not of the world’.

The vicar gave the example of an oyster. When a grain of sand gets into an oyster’s shell it causes an irritation, and the oyster will either make a pearl from the grain of sand or it will die because of it. I’m sure this is well-known.  But it’s an interesting image – put ourselves in the place of the oyster and the world, or the trials we face, or anything you like in the place of the sand.  The question is: will we take the opportunity to create something beautiful with the challenge or will we give up and let a part of us diminish?

This leads onto thinking of the question – would anyone know if you were a Christian?  What identifies us as Christians other than a belief we have and trips to church, be they weekly, monthly or annually?  I consider myself to be a liberal Christian, but I am also a walking paradox – while I am open-minded in my theology I am also traditional and see great beauty in the more orthodox paths.  I’ve been reading a lot about Carmelite spirituality recently and am fighting the urge to go off and join the community!!

So somewhere in the midst of these extremes I have to work out what it is that I believe (a daily struggle sometimes!) and how I want to live my life as a Christian.  Is it about treating others with kindness and making them feel value?  Certainly!  It is about loving God?  Absolutely!  Is it about being open to experience the Gifts of the Spirit?  Of course!  But only the first of these is identifiable the majority of the time, and not always successful in daily life.  So what is it that makes us Christian and what are we called to do?

I don’t know the answer to the question – would anyone know if I was a Christian?  I hope so!  But perhaps a re-evaluation of this identity is something that is needed to keep me (and others) on my toes.  I would like to think that my religious beliefs and the fact that I sing songs to celebrate the Lord are the last indicators of my faith.  I would much rather that goodness and kindness are the key signals to others that I love God.  I doubt that’s the case, but it’s definitely an aspiration to keep hold of!

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Where does the time go?!

Posted on May 16th, 2012

I just logged onto WordPress and realised that I haven’t blogged since 29th April!  Shameful!

In my defence, life has been incredibly hectic recently.  I haven’t had a day to just relax and BE since the last post, which has been all a bit tiring!  But on the upside, lots of exciting things are happening – I’ve been asked to go and give a concert in Enfield, Middlesex to commemorate a church’s centenary which is a real honour and things are all sorted for the concert in Bristol on 28th July at the beautiful St. James Priory – Bristol’s oldest building, founded in 1129.  As ever, watch this space – and particularly, check out my Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kathryn-Crosweller/204891109530550

So this evening I was driving home listening to some worship music (not my usual style but we have a worship band in tomorrow lunchtime for Christian Union so I thought I’d get in the mood!), and was happily singing along to ‘How Great is Our God’ by the wonderful Chris Tomlin.  The sun was shining, the road was clear; all was well with the world!  Then I looked up as I drove through a village and saw two birds (possibly crows?!  Not my forte…) sitting in a tree.  I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of the greatness of creation and my own insignificance within it.  It’s not the sort of feeling you can really put into words, and not one I have experienced very often, but it was really special.

The philosophical arguments for the existence of God include arguments about creation proving God’s existence.  I’m not massively convinced by either but I think that this evening, driving through The Deverills in Wiltshire, I understood for the first time something of what Aquinas, Paley and the like were talking about.  Creation is so magnificent that sometimes it’s just right to see God acting through it.

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