Drawing the year to a close…
Posted on December 30th, 2012
It’s almost the end of the year, and I suppose it’s as good a time as any to reflect on the year that has been. It’s been a busy and somewhat crazy one in many ways, but a very satisfying one, too. I’ve sung for so many people this year and have had some great responses and I have been made so welcome by people around the country. It’s been a year of expansion and expression of the divinity that surrounds us daily, but which we are often too busy or distracted to notice.
I saw an interesting post on Facebook earlier today. It said the following:
‘Another year is drawing to a close, which gives an opportunity to look back and see once more what God has done for you during the last twelve months. It will amaze you just how many blessings have come your way! At the same time it’s also good to look back over the year to consider what you have done for Him. It might amaze you how little it really is by comparison.’
I thought this was a really interesting meditation, and I have been thinking about it since. I started to think about everything that I am grateful for this year, and so many things came to mind. It’s so easy to be pessimistic at the moment with so many problems in the world, and especially perhaps as England has been suffering with the weather so much – we’re usually spared the up close and personal natural incidents – the mood of the world seems subdued. But as I take some time out at the end of this year, I am full of gratitude. For my friends, my family, for the work I am given to do, for the calling that I have, for the faith people show in me and the faith I show in them, and the little blessings that remind me that God is there, just over my shoulder.
Leave a commentTo become a better person. Again.
Posted on October 31st, 2012
After a conversation yesterday and watching ‘Bloody Sunday’ this evening, I’ve been prompted to meditate on this thought again. For those who haven’t seen ‘Bloody Sunday’, it’s about the events around the deaths of 13 people in Derry, Northern Ireland in 1972. The discomfort I felt whilst watching it (and not for the first time) made me want to make a difference, to help the world become a safer, happier place. But yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who has just returned from visiting Auschwitz, who said that when people were stating that visiting the death camp made them want to be ‘be a better person’ he responded with scepticism (to put it mildly). I could really relate to both sides of that – when I visited Auschwitz two years ago I wasn’t upset as I was expecting to be, but rather determined that I didn’t want it to happen again. I left feeling positive, that I could make a change and help the world heal and become more peaceful. And in response to my friend’s doubts about the longevity of such a desire, I’m sad to say that I think I have failed.
As some of you will remember, I am an RE teacher as well as a singer. People are invariably shocked when they find out that my faith is such a deep part of me as it is because I am (in their words) ‘normal’. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that, but it must mean that people feel they can be honest with me and talk about things which they perhaps wouldn’t discuss in front of a ‘typical’ Christian. I’m cringing as I write this!!! But my experience is that people will come and confide in me things which they then feel embarrassed about when they learn of my faith – and this is the best way I can describe what I mean.
I often think that I want people to know that I am a Christian by the way that I act, not by the things that I say. Slowly I think I’m getting better at portraying myself in the way that I would like to, and I am happy enough to ask God for help with this and depend on Him. And I think that in many ways I do help – the education I help to provide, the support I give and the guidance I can offer as a teacher as well as the peace and serenity that I try to create with the music that I sing as all ways I can measure my progress in this. But it all seems so futile, sometimes.
This evening the wind was blowing so hard and the rain was falling so heavily that I was genuinely concerned about the future of this world that we live in. If we in the south-west of England are feeling the effects of Hurricane Sandy’s fury then I can scarcely imagine the fear being experienced by those who are being touched directly. We take so much for granted, and I am especially guilty of clinging onto security in whatever form it appears. A part of me loves the idea of physical security being taken away from us so that we can become closer and closer to the pure love of God, but the larger part of me remains terrified.
I know I’ve said it before, but what if suffering exists only to give us the desire and opportunity to do good things? Is it enough to continue with life as it is, offering each other the little kindnesses that make us smile on a daily basis and comfort us when we need to be comforted? Or should we leave our lives and follow Jesus as he called his disciples to do? If we were to all do that, I’m not sure how long we’d last because to do so is to rely on those who have not left everything behind to follow God. So surely God means each of us to serve in our own way?
This makes a lot of sense to me, but then the question remains: how do you become the best person you can be in your current position? ‘Love thy neighbour’ is the simplest commandment to understand but perhaps the hardest to follow.
And the answer to these thoughts which keeps coming back to my mind is so simple:
Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray.
Leave a commentThe Relationship between Trust and Forgiveness
Posted on August 17th, 2012
In discussing trust at Taizé, we found it very difficult not to digress and begin discussing forgiveness. A lot of the conversation centred around people trusting someone until that trust was betrayed, and then they would not trust them any more. One member of my discussion group was very emphatic about her belief that trust must be earned and when it is broken, it is our right to withhold trust in the future. We inevitably ended up talking about forgiveness as this seemed key to allowing trust to be created again.
There’s a section of the well known poem Desiderata which has fascinated me for a long time. I’ve put the whole poem below for those of you unfamiliar with it, but the line which particularly intrigues me is ‘as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people’. Take a moment to read the poem.
This idea of surrender is a really interesting one. I was once hurt by someone so deeply that I thought I would be angry forever. It took me several years to come to terms with my feelings and reaction, and I realised that I really hated this person. This didn’t sit particularly well with me – I don’t like the idea that I hate someone and it made me unhappy to know that despite my beliefs I was unable to work on this particular issue.
One of the reasons I found it so difficult to forgive this person was because I felt that if I forgave them it would condone their actions, it would mean that my pain was unjustified; but having realised that this was a problem I suddenly let it go. The person in question had very much moved on, so who was my hate hurting? Me, and God.
So I came back to this line again: ‘as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people’. I think there’s a really key point here, which came back to me during the discussion with my group in Taizé about forgiveness. One of the girls was adamant that forgiveness had to be earned and it could be withheld at each person’s discretion. When I quoted Matthew 21-22 (Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”) she reacted very strongly and said that this wasn’t practical. In many ways I agree with her, but perhaps our understanding of forgiveness needs to be expanded.
A question I find very important is about prisoners. If someone has been to prison to pay for a crime, shouldn’t we treat them the way we treat those who have never been to prison when they are released? Surely the point of prison is to repay society for the crime they have committed. If I go overdrawn on my bank account and am charged interest, that interest doesn’t carry on being charged once I’m back in credit! But human beings are so much more complicated. We find it so hard to forgive and so hard to trust, and the more I think about it, these two so often go hand in hand with each other.
To be a Christian is a hard job. We’re asked to love everyone (Matthew 22:36-40) and forgive everyone (Luke 6:37). We’re asked to let go of worldly possessions (Matthew 6:19-20) although the world around us is obsessed with ownership. We’re asked to trust God even though we can’t see God (Proverbs 3:5). My students often tell me that they think it’s impossible to love unconditionally, as Jesus taught. A part of me believes that they’re right, but that doesn’t mean that I give up trying. I watched some of the rowing during the Olympics and felt so impressed by the athletes who were clearly going to finish last but who carried on going anyway. Surely God sees us the same way – we may not manage to live up to the ideals set out in the teachings of Jesus, but we try our best and God is there rooting for us just as I was rooting for the rowers at the end of the race!
I know how hard it is to forgive, and I’m certainly not judging anyone for saying that they don’t want to forgive someone who’s hurt them. Everyone is different, and forgiveness can seem impossible. But without forgiveness, can there ever be trust? And without trust, can there ever be peace?
Bóg jest miłością, miejcie odwagę, żyć dla miłości; Bóg jest miłością, nie lękajcie się – God is forgiveness, dare to forgive and God will be with you; God is forgiveness, love and do not fear.
1 CommentMy week in Taizé!
Posted on August 15th, 2012
It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, sorry everyone! I’ve been doing so many different things it’s been hard to find the right frame of mind for writing.
I’ve just got back from a week at Taizé, which was amazing. It’s the first time I’ve been to Taizé since 2004, so it was quite a significant experience. As those of you who know my music will remember, the chants sung at Taizé are my inspiration and my experience of Taizé when I was 17 was the beginning of my path with God.
On the Friday evening the community has a prayer around the cross. When the evening prayer is finished, the monks place the icon of the cross on the floor and then move aside. The congregation queues up and then take their place around the cross, putting their forehand or hands on the icon of Jesus crucified.
During the week this was the first time I felt really moved beyond a general happiness to be there and interest in the discussions we were having. It was the first time I felt a presence of God, and I spent quite a while writing. I will write up what I wrote on that evening as an introduction to some Taizé-inspired blogs.
The church is filled with the chant ‘Jesus Remember Me’. 5,000 voices calling out to God. 5,000 people whose hearts are crying out to be welcomed into the arms of the Father. And Jesus hears every single voice and knows every one of their names. Human and deity are united by a mutual longing for each other. ‘Man is never more fully man than when he gives himself totally to God; and God is never more fully God than when he gives himself totally to man.’ We try to meet God in a way we can understand – we place ourselves at the foot of his cross, but God’s work is so much more deep. As we welcome Him one again into our lives he once more opens our hearts to a love that is beyond description, even beyond comprehension.
All differences forgotten, all divisions ignored, we come to Him each as fragile and broken as each other. And as a loving mother and father, God welcomes us. For this short time, all voices are one, calling out to the love and grace of our Lord. And God comes to us, no matter what we have done and no matter what we’ve thought. He welcomes us and welcomes us, healing our bruised hearts with his outpouring of divine, never-ending, unconditional love.
God loves us. God loves us. God loves us.
Leave a commentLove, love, love!
Posted on June 24th, 2012
Today I went to ‘Love Bath’ – a free festival organised by the churches of Bath for the community. It was a great chance to get to know people and to meet up with some people who I’d spoken to over the internet (mostly Facebook!). Hats off to Emma Gypps, everyone at Springboard Bath and the whole organisation team! I think everyone especially enjoyed the free hot dogs, bottles of water, hot drinks and ice cream!
It was interesting seeing so many Christians together just having fun and enjoying themselves. I was on bouncy castle duty for the afternoon, which was fun…I definitely got more assertive as time when on!
I just thought the name for the festival – Love Bath – was so great. Especially when the reading from the Old Testament this morning was altered so that instead of Zion or Jerusalem we had Bath and Aque Sulis! It was really powerful and got everyone involved.
After the festival today I came home and saw the latest video by Jefferson Bethke, whose video ‘Why I hate religion but love Jesus’ I’ve blogged about before. I didn’t watch all of it because it didn’t really grab me at the time, but there was a theme that came through for me from both what I saw of the video and also from the festival today. That theme is, of course, love.
How can we put love into practice? I was thinking about how much I’d like to move into Bath city and had a look at house prices. Sob! But why can’t I be satisfied where I am? I could give you lots of reasons but really…I have a roof over my head. What more do I need? Jesus says we don’t even need two shirts – share what you have with others. And yet most of the Christians I meet (and I include myself in this) have comfortable lives with plenty of material possessions. It doesn’t mean they’re all obsessed by their possessions (how could I ever make that judgement?!) but they have them. I have them. So how does this sit with the teachings of Jesus?
I’ve heard many people criticise the Vatican for the amount of wealth contained within it and I completely understand where they’re coming from. But are we any better? Where do we draw the line between what is needed and what is excessive? Who gets to make that decision? If we gave away everything we owned today we wouldn’t be able to function very well in the modern world of Great Britain. We couldn’t do our jobs properly if we didn’t have technology to communicate or complete work, for example. So what should we give up?
Perhaps our time, like Street Pastors. I’m very precious over time as I’m always busy and desperately try to create some downtime to just relax and read a book or watch TV. Perhaps we should give people the time and support that they need like organisations such as The Samaritans. I try to make myself available to talk to people about what’s happening in their lives as much as possible and think that this is something I’m not too bad at doing. Perhaps our money, as we’re encouraged to do by charities. I try to give away what I can but often worry about money.
If we are trying to show love to others, does it come down to these things – time, support and money? Is there more to it? How do we find that balance? And do we need to make sure that we show love to ourselves, too?
So many questions! I don’t know the answer but I would love to be better at showing love and living a life of love as we have been asked to do. Perhaps by opening ourselves up to receive our love we let that love flow through us and by surrendering and opening to the love of God, we become instruments for his love.
Leave a commentWhy are we afraid of who we are?
Posted on May 30th, 2012
I’ve been doing a lesson with some Year 8 student this week which involves thinking about how we appreciate ourselves. Every time they say that sending loving kindness to yourself is vain or selfish. It’s not a unique response to get to this topic but one that I find very intriguing.
I had a conversation with a student this afternoon about what I believe, and as much as I love talking about myself (!), it was still quite interesting to see how I responded to that. Obviously there are boundaries between teachers and students, and perhaps the juxtaposition between the way I present myself when teaching and the way I present myself during concerts, workshops, interviews etc. makes it an interesting discussion…but for whatever reason, it left me wondering – why are human beings afraid of who we are? If God loves us enough to suffer torture, ridicule and painful death for us – because he accepts us for who we are – why can’t we do the same?
Perhaps this is a religious practice for us – to begin to appreciate ourselves and other people in the way that God accepts us. An interesting thought!!
Leave a commentWould anyone know if you were a Christian?
Posted on May 20th, 2012
Would anyone know if you were a Christian? This was the topic for today’s sermon in church. An interesting question! This was discussed because of the commandment ‘live in the world but not of the world’.
The vicar gave the example of an oyster. When a grain of sand gets into an oyster’s shell it causes an irritation, and the oyster will either make a pearl from the grain of sand or it will die because of it. I’m sure this is well-known. But it’s an interesting image – put ourselves in the place of the oyster and the world, or the trials we face, or anything you like in the place of the sand. The question is: will we take the opportunity to create something beautiful with the challenge or will we give up and let a part of us diminish?
This leads onto thinking of the question – would anyone know if you were a Christian? What identifies us as Christians other than a belief we have and trips to church, be they weekly, monthly or annually? I consider myself to be a liberal Christian, but I am also a walking paradox – while I am open-minded in my theology I am also traditional and see great beauty in the more orthodox paths. I’ve been reading a lot about Carmelite spirituality recently and am fighting the urge to go off and join the community!!
So somewhere in the midst of these extremes I have to work out what it is that I believe (a daily struggle sometimes!) and how I want to live my life as a Christian. Is it about treating others with kindness and making them feel value? Certainly! It is about loving God? Absolutely! Is it about being open to experience the Gifts of the Spirit? Of course! But only the first of these is identifiable the majority of the time, and not always successful in daily life. So what is it that makes us Christian and what are we called to do?
I don’t know the answer to the question – would anyone know if I was a Christian? I hope so! But perhaps a re-evaluation of this identity is something that is needed to keep me (and others) on my toes. I would like to think that my religious beliefs and the fact that I sing songs to celebrate the Lord are the last indicators of my faith. I would much rather that goodness and kindness are the key signals to others that I love God. I doubt that’s the case, but it’s definitely an aspiration to keep hold of!
Leave a commentWhere does the time go?!
Posted on May 16th, 2012
I just logged onto WordPress and realised that I haven’t blogged since 29th April! Shameful!
In my defence, life has been incredibly hectic recently. I haven’t had a day to just relax and BE since the last post, which has been all a bit tiring! But on the upside, lots of exciting things are happening – I’ve been asked to go and give a concert in Enfield, Middlesex to commemorate a church’s centenary which is a real honour and things are all sorted for the concert in Bristol on 28th July at the beautiful St. James Priory – Bristol’s oldest building, founded in 1129. As ever, watch this space – and particularly, check out my Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kathryn-Crosweller/204891109530550
So this evening I was driving home listening to some worship music (not my usual style but we have a worship band in tomorrow lunchtime for Christian Union so I thought I’d get in the mood!), and was happily singing along to ‘How Great is Our God’ by the wonderful Chris Tomlin. The sun was shining, the road was clear; all was well with the world! Then I looked up as I drove through a village and saw two birds (possibly crows?! Not my forte…) sitting in a tree. I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of the greatness of creation and my own insignificance within it. It’s not the sort of feeling you can really put into words, and not one I have experienced very often, but it was really special.
The philosophical arguments for the existence of God include arguments about creation proving God’s existence. I’m not massively convinced by either but I think that this evening, driving through The Deverills in Wiltshire, I understood for the first time something of what Aquinas, Paley and the like were talking about. Creation is so magnificent that sometimes it’s just right to see God acting through it.
An Iona-ish weekend!
Posted on April 29th, 2012
This weekend has been AMAZING! So amazing that I just have to tell you all about it!
On Friday night I attended a ‘Big Sing’ with John Bell from the Iona Community and his colleague Christine. It was an incredible experience to see someone teach three- and four-part harmony to a group of people with a mixed experience of singing, usually unaccompanied by any instruments! John inspired everyone with the confidence to sing despite their reservations and the beautiful church of St. John’s at Studley was filled with divine music all night long!
Saturday was a day of workshops with John. The morning was titled ‘Why do God’s people sing?’ and the afternoon was looking at the Bible. It was a really interesting day – taking me back to my first year of theology at university in the afternoon – and I met some really lovely people! Christine and I had been speaking the night before, and I gave her some music to take away, and I was touched by how grateful she was. I’ll come back to this day in a moment.
Then today was a Communion service at St. John’s, with the sermon preached by John. He was speaking about Psalm 23 and had some really interesting points to make about the nature of God as shown through the Psalm. I shan’t steal his thunder and put them down here, but it was a great sermon!
So, what does all this have to do with anything? One of my favourite sayings is ‘Coincidence is God’s way of staying anonymous’ and I could see at lot of this happening this weekend.
Firstly, I had found out about this weekend purely by chance. Or ‘chance’! I was having a look at a church’s website while searching for my next concert venue and thought that the poster looked interesting, so I signed up to Saturday’s workshops. Then I was asked if I wanted to go to the Big Sing, too, which of course I did! So that was all a bit coincidental.
Then I moved house on 10th April and was sitting around feeling a bit blue about the move and started to look on the internet for things going on in the local area. When I had a look at the Salisbury Diocese website I found a course to get a certificate in church music. I started to get excited and wrote to the contact to find out how much it cost etc. Turns out it was free! Superb! So I enrolled and picked my modules…one of which is called ‘Why do we sing?’ Reading list: John Bell. Fantastic work, God!
And so then I was trying to decide where to go to church now I’ve moved house. I think it’s always good to shop around a bit, to find out what suits you, so I was going to be doing that. However, I feel a bit like I’ve been taken to my new church home. The people at St. John’s this weekend have been so welcoming and friendly, and I was really enjoying getting to know them. One couple in particular really took care of me and made sure I wasn’t left on my own for too long, introduced me to different people…really special. Turns out I’m now going to the church’s barn dance next Saturday night and I fully intend to be there on Sunday morning, too! Not dancing…
So all really good so far! Now the next fantastic piece of work by the big old G-O-D would have to be the Taizé. I love Taizé as anyone who’s met me knows! So when someone said that the curate at St. John’s was trying to develop the music of the church, I thought I’d offer it up as a suggestion, either as a once-off workshop or as a regular thing. Oh yes, they’ve been after a regular Taizé service for some time and hadn’t quite managed to get it sorted. Thank you again, Lord!!
Add to all of this three members of the church with whom I have mutual friends, a lovely church building and an incredibly positive experience all round, I am feeling very loved and cared for. What a wonderful God we have!!!
Leave a commentCan you prove God’s existence?
Posted on April 21st, 2012
Today is the day of St. Anselm according to the calendar of both the Church of England and the Roman Catholic Church. Archbishop of Canterbury from 1093 to 1109, Anselm is perhaps most famous for proposing the ontological argument: if the greatest possible being exists in the mind, it must also exist in reality, so therefore God must be real.
I can remember sitting through lessons at school, completely baffled by the idea that you could argue for the existence of God. I used to sit through lessons thinking ‘surely you believe in God or you don’t, and that’s all there is to it!’ Perhaps I was naïve, but if so then I think I still am! If it were possible to prove God’s existence through reason and logic then there would be no need for faith, and surely faith is the foundation of belief in God? Anselm did say that he couldn’t have knowledge unless he first believed:
He wrote, “Neque enim quaero intelligere ut credam, sed credo ut intelligam. Nam et hoc credo, quia, nisi credidero, non intelligam. ” (“Nor do I seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe that I may understand. For this, too, I believe, that, unless I first believe, I shall not understand.”) – thank you Wikipedia!
But I think it’s an interesting idea – trying to prove God’s existence. By trying to do so, it seems to me to be an affirmation of faith and a desire to share faith with others. Although it’s just not my cup of tea!
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