To become a better person. Again.
Posted on October 31st, 2012
After a conversation yesterday and watching ‘Bloody Sunday’ this evening, I’ve been prompted to meditate on this thought again. For those who haven’t seen ‘Bloody Sunday’, it’s about the events around the deaths of 13 people in Derry, Northern Ireland in 1972. The discomfort I felt whilst watching it (and not for the first time) made me want to make a difference, to help the world become a safer, happier place. But yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who has just returned from visiting Auschwitz, who said that when people were stating that visiting the death camp made them want to be ‘be a better person’ he responded with scepticism (to put it mildly). I could really relate to both sides of that – when I visited Auschwitz two years ago I wasn’t upset as I was expecting to be, but rather determined that I didn’t want it to happen again. I left feeling positive, that I could make a change and help the world heal and become more peaceful. And in response to my friend’s doubts about the longevity of such a desire, I’m sad to say that I think I have failed.
As some of you will remember, I am an RE teacher as well as a singer. People are invariably shocked when they find out that my faith is such a deep part of me as it is because I am (in their words) ‘normal’. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that, but it must mean that people feel they can be honest with me and talk about things which they perhaps wouldn’t discuss in front of a ‘typical’ Christian. I’m cringing as I write this!!! But my experience is that people will come and confide in me things which they then feel embarrassed about when they learn of my faith – and this is the best way I can describe what I mean.
I often think that I want people to know that I am a Christian by the way that I act, not by the things that I say. Slowly I think I’m getting better at portraying myself in the way that I would like to, and I am happy enough to ask God for help with this and depend on Him. And I think that in many ways I do help – the education I help to provide, the support I give and the guidance I can offer as a teacher as well as the peace and serenity that I try to create with the music that I sing as all ways I can measure my progress in this. But it all seems so futile, sometimes.
This evening the wind was blowing so hard and the rain was falling so heavily that I was genuinely concerned about the future of this world that we live in. If we in the south-west of England are feeling the effects of Hurricane Sandy’s fury then I can scarcely imagine the fear being experienced by those who are being touched directly. We take so much for granted, and I am especially guilty of clinging onto security in whatever form it appears. A part of me loves the idea of physical security being taken away from us so that we can become closer and closer to the pure love of God, but the larger part of me remains terrified.
I know I’ve said it before, but what if suffering exists only to give us the desire and opportunity to do good things? Is it enough to continue with life as it is, offering each other the little kindnesses that make us smile on a daily basis and comfort us when we need to be comforted? Or should we leave our lives and follow Jesus as he called his disciples to do? If we were to all do that, I’m not sure how long we’d last because to do so is to rely on those who have not left everything behind to follow God. So surely God means each of us to serve in our own way?
This makes a lot of sense to me, but then the question remains: how do you become the best person you can be in your current position? ‘Love thy neighbour’ is the simplest commandment to understand but perhaps the hardest to follow.
And the answer to these thoughts which keeps coming back to my mind is so simple:
Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray.
Leave a commentThe Relationship between Trust and Forgiveness
Posted on August 17th, 2012
In discussing trust at Taizé, we found it very difficult not to digress and begin discussing forgiveness. A lot of the conversation centred around people trusting someone until that trust was betrayed, and then they would not trust them any more. One member of my discussion group was very emphatic about her belief that trust must be earned and when it is broken, it is our right to withhold trust in the future. We inevitably ended up talking about forgiveness as this seemed key to allowing trust to be created again.
There’s a section of the well known poem Desiderata which has fascinated me for a long time. I’ve put the whole poem below for those of you unfamiliar with it, but the line which particularly intrigues me is ‘as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people’. Take a moment to read the poem.
This idea of surrender is a really interesting one. I was once hurt by someone so deeply that I thought I would be angry forever. It took me several years to come to terms with my feelings and reaction, and I realised that I really hated this person. This didn’t sit particularly well with me – I don’t like the idea that I hate someone and it made me unhappy to know that despite my beliefs I was unable to work on this particular issue.
One of the reasons I found it so difficult to forgive this person was because I felt that if I forgave them it would condone their actions, it would mean that my pain was unjustified; but having realised that this was a problem I suddenly let it go. The person in question had very much moved on, so who was my hate hurting? Me, and God.
So I came back to this line again: ‘as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all people’. I think there’s a really key point here, which came back to me during the discussion with my group in Taizé about forgiveness. One of the girls was adamant that forgiveness had to be earned and it could be withheld at each person’s discretion. When I quoted Matthew 21-22 (Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”) she reacted very strongly and said that this wasn’t practical. In many ways I agree with her, but perhaps our understanding of forgiveness needs to be expanded.
A question I find very important is about prisoners. If someone has been to prison to pay for a crime, shouldn’t we treat them the way we treat those who have never been to prison when they are released? Surely the point of prison is to repay society for the crime they have committed. If I go overdrawn on my bank account and am charged interest, that interest doesn’t carry on being charged once I’m back in credit! But human beings are so much more complicated. We find it so hard to forgive and so hard to trust, and the more I think about it, these two so often go hand in hand with each other.
To be a Christian is a hard job. We’re asked to love everyone (Matthew 22:36-40) and forgive everyone (Luke 6:37). We’re asked to let go of worldly possessions (Matthew 6:19-20) although the world around us is obsessed with ownership. We’re asked to trust God even though we can’t see God (Proverbs 3:5). My students often tell me that they think it’s impossible to love unconditionally, as Jesus taught. A part of me believes that they’re right, but that doesn’t mean that I give up trying. I watched some of the rowing during the Olympics and felt so impressed by the athletes who were clearly going to finish last but who carried on going anyway. Surely God sees us the same way – we may not manage to live up to the ideals set out in the teachings of Jesus, but we try our best and God is there rooting for us just as I was rooting for the rowers at the end of the race!
I know how hard it is to forgive, and I’m certainly not judging anyone for saying that they don’t want to forgive someone who’s hurt them. Everyone is different, and forgiveness can seem impossible. But without forgiveness, can there ever be trust? And without trust, can there ever be peace?
Bóg jest miłością, miejcie odwagę, żyć dla miłości; Bóg jest miłością, nie lękajcie się – God is forgiveness, dare to forgive and God will be with you; God is forgiveness, love and do not fear.
1 CommentTrust – Theme at Taizé 2012
Posted on August 16th, 2012
Brother Alois, the prior of Taizé, wrote his letter for 2012 under the title, ‘Towards a New Solidarity’ (http://www.taize.fr/IMG/pdf/120enletter.pdf) and the theme for the Bible study and discussion groups was trust. While the 17-24 year old groups spent a lot of the week playing trust games, the 25-35 year old groups cracked on with some fairly hefty conversations!
When I arrived in Taizé on the Sunday it was after a long journey. I’d been travelling for 19 hours and hadn’t slept, so I wasn’t in the best frame of mind for the inevitable queueing that constitutes the arrival at any place like Taizé! So, in tiredness I looked around at the big groups of happy, laughing people and felt very out of the loop. I suppose I felt quite insecure and out of place, as did many people. In fact, Brother Paolo, the British contact brother, welcomed us on the coach with ‘don’t worry about Sunday, it’s chaotic – tomorrow will feel better!’ and several other people said that they just wanted to get back on the bus and go home the same evening we arrived! Not ideal.
So when we had our first Bible introduction with Brother Matthew on the Monday morning, I had to laugh at the theme of the week – trust! I found myself thinking that the beginning of the week had demanded that I trust the community, trust the welcome teams, trust myself (especially with my tent erecting skills!) and trust God that all would be well. And it was so worth it!!!
My discussion group was a really diverse group of people, made up of one Polish, one Swedish, one Dutch, one other English, three German and one Spanish. As you can imagine we were all coming from different backgrounds and our discussions reflected this. I’ll write some reflections on these discussions over the next few blogs, but I thought I would start with an overview before getting started.
For now, have one of the chants we sang every day over the week. Truly beautiful! It means: ‘All life long, for the Lord I will sing; while I live, I will praise my God. My joy is in God.’
Leave a commentMy week in Taizé!
Posted on August 15th, 2012
It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, sorry everyone! I’ve been doing so many different things it’s been hard to find the right frame of mind for writing.
I’ve just got back from a week at Taizé, which was amazing. It’s the first time I’ve been to Taizé since 2004, so it was quite a significant experience. As those of you who know my music will remember, the chants sung at Taizé are my inspiration and my experience of Taizé when I was 17 was the beginning of my path with God.
On the Friday evening the community has a prayer around the cross. When the evening prayer is finished, the monks place the icon of the cross on the floor and then move aside. The congregation queues up and then take their place around the cross, putting their forehand or hands on the icon of Jesus crucified.
During the week this was the first time I felt really moved beyond a general happiness to be there and interest in the discussions we were having. It was the first time I felt a presence of God, and I spent quite a while writing. I will write up what I wrote on that evening as an introduction to some Taizé-inspired blogs.
The church is filled with the chant ‘Jesus Remember Me’. 5,000 voices calling out to God. 5,000 people whose hearts are crying out to be welcomed into the arms of the Father. And Jesus hears every single voice and knows every one of their names. Human and deity are united by a mutual longing for each other. ‘Man is never more fully man than when he gives himself totally to God; and God is never more fully God than when he gives himself totally to man.’ We try to meet God in a way we can understand – we place ourselves at the foot of his cross, but God’s work is so much more deep. As we welcome Him one again into our lives he once more opens our hearts to a love that is beyond description, even beyond comprehension.
All differences forgotten, all divisions ignored, we come to Him each as fragile and broken as each other. And as a loving mother and father, God welcomes us. For this short time, all voices are one, calling out to the love and grace of our Lord. And God comes to us, no matter what we have done and no matter what we’ve thought. He welcomes us and welcomes us, healing our bruised hearts with his outpouring of divine, never-ending, unconditional love.
God loves us. God loves us. God loves us.
Leave a commentA prayer for Holy Week
Posted on April 3rd, 2012
Heavenly Father; as we move towards the crucifixion and the sacrifice of your Son on the cross this week, help us to remember you in our hearts and minds. Help us to make the sacrifices necessary in our own lives, secure in the knowledge that the ultimate sacrifice has ensured our salvation. Be with us as we make our commitment to live our lives in the spirit of the cross. Lord in your mercy, hear our prayer.
Last night I went to a beautiful Taizé service at St. Mary’s in Limpley Stoke (near Bath). It was very special, especially as I was with a group of people who sang in full four-part harmony for each song. It makes the experience so much more reminiscent of being in Taizé that I was truly moved.
During the prayers of intercession and the silence in which we could add our own prayer, I reflected on the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. The prayer above came to me, which was a real blessing. I am going to be moving house in a week, to live with my dad after 3 years of living alone and I have been really struggling with the prospect. I know that it is the right thing to do at this moment in time, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier! But after this reflection on sacrifice and having said this prayer, I felt a sense of peace around the situation.
It really is amazing how prayer is answered in ways we don’t expect, and in every aspect of life. It’s not just the big things which need prayer and which God pays attention to – it’s everything. If you are open, I truly believe that God will be with you in ever moment of your life, even if you don’t realise He’s there.
Leave a commentChanting, chanting, chanting…
Posted on March 31st, 2012
Christian chant goes back to the very earliest Christian communities and even further, to the Psalms themselves which traditionally were sung rather than read. Today I’ve written a few chants which I am hoping to use at some point in the future. Having spent time with interfaith groups, I know that there are great chanting traditions in the Eastern traditions (Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism) but other than Taizé, Christianity often seems to get left out here. I found a beautiful Jewish chant while I was doing a bit of research which you might enjoy as it is based on words of Moses – Ana El Na Refa Na La
Taizé is my inspiration for singing songs to celebrate the Lord and I am really hoping that writing my own chants will help me express the peace and presence of God that I feel when I sing Taizé music. When I release a CD of chants, you’ll have to let me know what you think!
There’s something about chanting which reminds me of something I read recently about ‘slow prayer’. Here’s the extract – “St. Teresa of Ávila recommended this technique to another nun: Pray the Lord’s Prayer, but take an hour to pray it. Spend a few minutes entering into each individual phrase, until it becomes truly the prayer of your heart, and you become the prayer.” I’ve got a lot of time for the contemplative saints and this quote really rings true for me. By chanting you can grow in the words you are singing. They can mean something different to you each time round. They can reach a crescendo and they can be soft. It’s a beautiful experience to sing chants, and that’s why I love Taizé. The simplicity of the words lets you really open yourself up to their meaning.
So when I was writing some of these chants earlier I was using the words from various Anglican rosaries, which I discovered just this morning! I hadn’t realised that rosaries had made it into the Anglican tradition but have really enjoyed reading about them today. They’ve been around since the mid-1980s according to this website – http://www.kingofpeace.org/prayerbeads.htm. I have toyed with the idea of setting a whole rosary to music and recording it the right number of times so that it is like singing a rosary. I’d love your thoughts on that one!
Chanting is a way to sustain personal prayer. As St. Augustine said, ‘Singing is praying. He who sings prays twice.’ Beautiful! Today I have really felt the unity of these different things – that chanting is a way to pray slowly and thoughtfully, to delve into a relationship with God by using beautiful music to open up the heart and receive the love which God is desperate to share with us all. Here is a chant I’d love to use at some point (I’m working on my Hebrew!) The words are from Hosea 2:18. Video below.
VECHARAT I LAHEM BRIT BAYOM HA-HU
IM CHAYAT HASADE VE IM OF
HASHAMAYIM VE REMES HA-ADAMA
VEKESHET BE-CHEREV U-MILCHAMA ESHBOR
MIN HA-ARETZ VEHISHKATI LAVETACH (BIS)
In this day I make a covenant
with the beasts and the birds
with all creatures that walk on this earth
and bow, and sword, and battle disappear from the land
so that all may safely rest